Stop

So many things arise when I get out of my routine. Things I realize I need to deal with when I come home. Then more tough things arise. Friends that have given up pursuing the Lord. Family that are so distant and unaware. I want more and so I pursue that. Sometimes wonderful and then sometimes I lose myself in it. I think and try to convince myself that I am simply losing myself for the Kingdom, but is that really true? Because when you lose yourself for the Kingdom, I believe you become more found, not lost. Yet I tend to feel lost and alone sometimes during it. I had a hard realization while talking to a good friend the other day. For starters, I realize more of my dumb efforts seem like I need to prove something to God. Really? Or how I lose myself in idolizing ministering to others and then I forget who I even am. I become cynical. I close up because I get tired of being let down and it is easier to have lower expectations. Yet, I do know God does care about the details. He cares about my life. So why build up these walls? Because that just makes it harder for others to connect and see what is really there. I long for community. I long for the Kingdom come. I long for healing in myself and others around me. So stop being cynical and waiting for the perfect moment or method or community. I believe the God we follow is a God that cares about this. Not going to forsake my heart or the mission so why should I by building these walls of lies? Letting go...

A journal entry from LDW..

So much is going on in my head and heart right now- too much to process. Too many things still need healing. I feel so gross- physically and spiritually. I know freedom, but why do I forget it? I desire and need to stop running away and start running towards, but how do I start? My imposter keeps telling me to just give up, it will never again be what I once tasted and knew. The lies my imposter holds tell me that I am not worthy- to be pursued, to be embraced. So my imposter encourages me to pursue or withdraw and don't wait. The lie is that I've already waited and been left lonely. My imposter says don't be weak, for that's when the ugliness comes. What if I'm weak and no one is there to be strong for me, then what? For too long I've listened to my imposter and I've lived in the "strong one" imposter. I didn't allow myself to get hurt by any sarcasm, grieve from death- I had to be strong for others and independent. I want to flee this. I need to stop seeking affirmation. I need to trust the silence. Rest the busyness. Let God be God. All my responsibilities and people I left at home are going to be fine- life goes on without me. I am not needed- but I am chosen. There is so much beauty and freedom if I only just fully rely on that.

Rest and obedience in the ordinary and mundane

Here I am in Florida transitioning from another experience. I am still fighting a restless heart. One of the amazing great things God used LDW kayak trip for me was to just enjoy God, rest in Him, and trust that the Lord delights in me. I enjoyed the simplicity and the simple things such as great weather, brief times of no skeeters!, the gorgeous weather, or even the quirks and everything about the people placed in my community. I have learned more about my identity in Christ- to be His chosen beloved like I was uniquely created to be. I am still walking towards this freedom. I am still discovering more of my gifts and why I hold them back. Why I sometimes listen to my imposter full of lies rather than the One who knows me best and calls me to live out what He has beautifully created in me? I have been restless today considering what I need to do to please God- do I need to go to Snowbird sooner, back to the Holler right now, or going back to VBC youth quicker, or countless other things that are never enough. Why is it so hard for me to be content? I think one of the main issues in my heart is that I always have to do more- I mean there is so many people hurting, lost souls needing salvation, orphans needing care, slaves needing freedom, and though we need to go out to all these broken places with the gospel, we also need to realize before we do that it is not our doing or about us. I miss God so many times because I am looking for that crazy experience when sometime He is delighted that I take some time to rest. In fact He commanded a Sabbath. I am not promoting apathy or laziness but I know that I have missed resting in the Father's love and trusting He is sovereign and it is time for me to stop trying to make things happen. He is leading me and I can just enjoy the ride and live in the moment of what He is calling me to. Rest and obedience in the ordinary and mundane...
I'm still processing what that exactly looks like.

confusing transition-> faith, trust, obedience.

I am in Florida right now! I just left the Holler a bit earlier than planned and came to Florida. So much going on with me this summer. A main reason why I left early is to rest and prepare for LDW adventure, good thing because when I arrived I also found a book I need to read and journal on before I leave for my trip (June 8). It was a hard decision. Well, at first it seemed like a hard choice to be there, for this is how it started out...

I arrived after long morning of cleaning up dorm and the day after the RA night, where we all cried. Transition and change is tough but it really does destroy the idols in our hearts. When I arrived, I got overwhelmed with a schedule and how big and fast this jump was. The next morning, I broke down and cried, and I hate crying in front of people but it was a good way to break in and start with honest, intentional community for they got to see my weak side that I so much like to cover up. Then comes the next night, sickness- staying up later puking and asking "God, really?!" Sadly, almost thinking the health, wealth, prosperity gospel sounded great.. which I hate! The rest of the time got better and I was learning a lot. One thing I got to practice and try to grow in was being more slow to speak and not giving a quick opinion. There are differences but I really do trust and love what the community at the Holler is doing and I am thankful that they opened up their home and lives and let me be a part of it. I am excited to go back and share in what the good Lord (Yahweh!) is doing. Though I am many times a prideful, arrogent individual who really needs to step back and trust and learn.

So then some restlessness started happening again, imagine that! Me, restless? God never keeps me in a place too long, sometimes exciting and many times at first frustrating! I have this growing desire to become His prodigal daughter, especially because I sadly relate many times to the older brother in this parable (Luke 15). Justin, Rebekah and I had a really good, honest conversation about all this and I told them with honesty about my restlessness. I was not sure if this meant to actually go home or prepare for being a prodigal, or to practice that at the Holler. Similar to what one of my professor's Brad Daniel told me once with trying to make another decision was.. Justin told me to make sure I am running to something, whether that was rest or whatever else. I went away on a walk and prayed about it, like most times with me, did not get a straight answer but there was this amazing moment where I felt loved by God, more than I have felt in a while and that He was delighted in me. I fell on my knees as I was thinking, this must be to good to be true. Not only that, but I felt Him saying He will be delighted in me with whatever choice I make (obviously if it is not against the Word or sin). This broke up the struggle that I have been having with feeling like I have to work to attain God's love, that my obedience gets me to hear His voice, that the obedience of the summer will make me a better person. However, that is not what the Gospel is! Or what this is about. My true desire is to make much of Jesus in whatever I do. I can't do this, I can't be perfect, or make perfect decisions (if you know me, you know many times I have a hard time making decisions at all!). Though this almost seems like taking the easy way out, this is why it was a hard decision for me. I fought caring about what people would think, or if the Holler would be disappointed, or worse if God would be disappointed in me. It was like a twisted step of faith to leave and go against my people pleasing tendency and trust that a time of rest is okay.

So I am running home. I am trying to get better from the sickness I've been fighting and prepare for the next thing- LDW Canada. Please be in prayer for me as I make another transition. In some ways, though it has difficult aspects, the Holler is an easier place for me because I can hide more from the influence of this world. I am protected by guidelines and do not have to discern as much for myself. There, I live in a house with believers who won't let me be stagnant and challenge and love me. Now, I am back to many different people and a really different lifestyle around me. However, it gives me a great chance to run home to the Lord in whatever situation and rest and trust, no matter what all other influences tell me... He is all that matters and my mission... to make much of Jesus Christ (Yeshua) in whatever I do.

Wait.

Papers, assignments, wrapping up the semester, and getting things done for summer are still to do! I withdraw away to do it and can't help but think about where my life is headed. I want to be content where I am but I want to know where I am going. Teach at-risk youth, go overseas, or have to get a "real job" to please my parents and pay off loans. Lord, I want to be yours! Show me where to go and guide me in that path. I trust You!

Silence, Reality, Freedom, and the weight of the world.

I just got back from the silent retreat weekend with my spiritual formation class. It was an interesting weekend and for the first time in so long, I felt this huge weight I have been carrying lifted from my soul. I realized how difficult it is for me to just rest and finally felt at rest. However, as we got back I was moved to tears and this overwhelming feeling of an even heavier weight fall on me. I hope that the Lord will help me finish strong and that I can embrace such a hectic coming up summer with courage. I was reminded this past weekend of His faithfulness and provision and it is so hard today to rely on that through the pressure of everything. However, even when He is silent or I am, God is still there and I will trust that He promises to never leave or forsake me and that these difficult experiences will strengthen me for His kingdom.

O Lord do not continue to be silent. My spirit is willing, but flesh is weak. Help me to be strong in your grace and embrace these weaknesses. Thanks for your reminders of love and faithfulness and help me continue to be reminded.

Technology Unplugged

It's interesting having a computer class and other classes that require me to use so much technology and studying aspects of Outdoor Ministry that encourage simplicity and the negative effects of such. At this point in the semester, I am bogged down with assignments and am anxious about such a crazy summer coming up that I am not prepared for. Fundraising to do, papers to write, etc. However, through all this God is preparing and refining me in this season of discipline. Though it is difficult because I feel so far and weak, I trust that "He who began a good work will carry it onto completion" (Philippians 1). This coming weekend, though timing is crazy, yet perfect, I am going on a silent retreat with the Spiritual Formation class and going to unplug from everything. Be silent and leave everything behind to hopefully encounter the Lord and rest in Him. I want to enter into His peace and be able to hear and take courage from His voice. I went to rest in His provision as I remove myself from these busy distractions.

Calling.

Such a confusing time in life. Lord, help me to just be where I am.

How much I love youth.

Today at Victory Baptist (the youth group I help with) we had an amazing youth Sunday! I know something with youth is my calling and I am excited. They have so many struggles they face but are hungry for the gospel! I spoke to the church about being unified with them, praying for them, and to value them. My prayer is that they break free of trying to live up to being good little church kids to really pursuing the Lord and letting Christ reign in their lives. They now know, we don't do fake and I hope they continue in their honesty. I have been struggling with not wanting to keep going and God still uses me and these youth to remember how much He is powerfully working. OUR GOD IS AN AWESOME GOD!

Global Perspective.

I went to the Invisble Children legacy tour presentation at UNCA and it reminded and challenged me to keep a global perspective. Here in America, there is so much pressure to have your life mapped out. Plan a comfortable lifestyle, get a degree, a salary, a 401k, and make sure you have insurance and a retirement plan. I have been worried about raising money, what God is calling me to vs. I need to pay of loans and listen to the worldly wisdom. The question is continually asked.. what are you going to do with your life? What occupation is going to define you? I constantly wonder what will I do when I graduate college and am I on the right track.. Should I change my major? What if this isn't where I should be? And other people, other kids, other students my age.. are wondering if they can live tomorrow. This isn't too make us feel guilty and like crap for being born here but to realize, only in America is this pressure really placed.. We serve a God of the Universe who is Supreme. Our Lord is sovereign and my occupation and all that stuff is hardly anything compared to eternity. Yes, He cares about those little details in our life but they do not define us or should consume us. I want to be free of all of this.

Be weak and just follow with willingness and trust..

So I have amazing people in my life that challenge me to allow myself to be weak. However, I am dumb. This week I have opportunities for that and what do I do- withdraw. I do not want to be transparent when it's hard. I don't want to have attachments. I want to be free, but where my dumbness tries to take me is not freedom. I don't want to need support. However, God is faithful. I asked my pastor/former youth pastor what he saw in me when I was in sixth grade, why did he invest so much time encouraging and challenging me to be a woman of God? When most would not see what he did. He said I had the willingness. I do not want to lose that. Willingness to go and courage to stay is what I need. There is so much unknown and gray areas in my life. But God is faithful, knows what's best and promises that He who began a good work in me will continue to carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus. (phil.1:6)

Enjoy. Be Silent. Take Courage.

I have arrived in Florida for the week. So awesome enjoying the little, great gifts such as weather, coffee, and thinking about how the things God is done. How faithful and good God is! Yesterday, when I arrived I had a great time with a close friend since childhood. It is interesting trying to explain how God has led me up to these moments because even I don't understand. I can't wait to see how it all comes together because even when I see little glimpses now of how things come together- it blows my mind! Why do I become dumb and not trust after all the Lord has already done?

Perspective and Simplicity

This week has been a challenge because there are so many tasks, duties, and assignments.  I am presenting on the discipline of simplicity tonight for Spiritual Formation and it is such ironic timing because I really do not feel simple.  However, I have been challenged to open my eyes to see with faith how God is here and working. To lay down my pride and attempts of self-sufficiency to become dependent on the grace of Christ.  Many times I sadly spend more time on listening to my lies of doubt rather than seeking and speaking truth.  It is time to take my thoughts captive. To rest in the Truth. To be still and let God fight for me. I want to be free. 

Jubiliee.

I am currently recovering from being in Pittsburgh for Jubilee conference.  It was a great weekend but left me sick and mentally exhausted. Monday was real difficult transitioning back to the many things due. There were so many opportunities there and more social causes presented. Sometimes this leaves me feeling helpless and frustrated because I am bogged down with all these little things that seem to get in the way of making a big difference.  There are so many things I want to do and yet so many obstacles. However, these problems will always be there and God is sovereign over them. We fight social justice because we are called and compelled by grace, but knowing that we are serving God, not the world. I want to continue trusting that wherever I end up and whatever job I choose, it is good. Right now, I need to remember to be faithful in the little things, so one day I can be entrusted with much. 

Spirtual Transformation through Disciplines...

I have a great opportunity to take part in spiritual formation class at Montreat where we learn about and engage in practice some of the spiritual disciplines. Through silence and solitude, God has used that to open up wounds not yet dealt and healed from. Through a small fast, reminded of how weak I am and struggle. How I need to hunger for God. I need God's strength for my whole body and soul to function. My sin has been brought up so much as I am realizing more of how ruined and broken I really am. I have also committed to taking part in more intentional confession, even for the what seem petty things that I don't "feel" like sharing because they come in the way of conforming my mindset to Christ. I've struggled with the balance of training and legalism, that is why I have avoided many disciplines God's grace has given me this opportunity to transform more to Him and the outcome= so worth it! It's grace but it still costs us something.. which is far more rich than cheap grace.

Community brought together.

Last Sunday, when churches were cancelled and we were snowed in, amazing worship time went on in Anderson lobby. The time included prayer, singing, and sharing of what God put on our hearts. It was amazing going from the night before seeing everyone coming out to play in the snow to joining together the next morning. Right during a time I was becoming frustrated and losing hope, God showed up by moving in the hearts this college community.

Then on Wednesday, a sad occurrence brought community together. I remember Sunday morning praying for our fellow student, Howard Fisher who over Christmas break in Jamaica got a bad form of Anemia.  On Sunday, we were thanking God for his improvement of healing. Prayers of faith that God is going to heal him. Then on Wednesday, we were notified that he died. I found out in such a sudden way on Wednesday morning and did not believe it at first. Classes were called off and we we all mourned and prayed together. Whether people were close to him or not, we all got affected. If this happened at a big school, it would barely make a dent. Yet, at Montreat, Fisher's legacy will be continued on. Though I did not know him well, I hurt for those hurting and was caught off guard by believing he was going to get better. I will miss seeing that smile and learned from him  how even just by having a positive attitude and spirit, it can make a huge difference in someone's day or life. Going through all of this has made me realize the deeper aspects to this community and I am thankful for being a part of it.  

Support

Dear Community,

            I have debated, procrastinated, and have not wanted to write a letter that asks for support. This is not a give me money letter, although there is a need, but rather a way to update you on my life and way for me to lose my pride and admit, I need community and support. The support I need is definitely not just financial but also encouragement, accountability, and most of all prayer. I am tempted to follow the typical, easier route and try to be more self-sufficient, however, many times God calls us to uncomfortable things.

            The place I am currently at with this adventurous life journey is pursuing an Outdoor Ministry major and Human Services minor at Montreat College.  I never would have imagined being here but God again, called me to what I cannot even imagine. My dream is to create a wilderness discipleship (modeled after OLD School program at Snowbird) therapy program for underprivileged kids and girls who have been abused. What is crazy is it seems like God is already starting to open up doors to start pursuing that through Holler Ministries. So, that is the big picture and goal but it will take a lot to get there. And I have to admit, there are many days I do not want to do any of it and fear overtakes me but I trust and am excited to see what God has in store.

            One of the first steps and needs toward this dream is an opportunity this summer to do a Leadership and Discipleship in the Wilderness (LDW) course sea kayaking in Canada.  This course will help prepare me to be a leader and better learn to live in and foster community. It also fulfills a school requirement I need. This trip is $2,200 and includes everything for 30 days.  This course is from June 9- July 9, 2010. 

            Another opportunity, is to come alongside the Summer Project with Holler Ministries and be a part of what they are already doing while preparing the start of the wilderness ministry. The Summer Project will include helping with some Africa Camps (not actually in Africa but more training youth), work camps, feeding homeless, helping out with building up the camp/onsite work, and mainly the opportunity to grow and be a part of their intentional community.  This also will take some more financial support, not a paid position but rather an opportunity to serve alongside them. My goal is to raise $1,000 for the Summer Project. For more information on The Holler, go to www.hollerministries.com. 

            So that is the breakdown of next steps and goal of where I am headed.  It is exciting because I have never felt more called or scared to do something before in my life. I really need your support to help guide me through this process and pray for me. God will provide and already is doing so, yet I still for some reason have a difficult time trusting. If you want to financially give, then you can send it to either my home address or school:

Brittany Miller                                      Brittany Miller

Montreat College                                  5631 Alligator lake road,

Mbox 155, PO Box 1207                      Saint Cloud, Fl, 34772

Montreat, NC, 28757

 

Thank you for being a part of my life and sharing with me through this sometimes difficult, but exciting journey.

 

Love,

  Brittany Miller 

On our knees

It's been such a crazy season of growth and transformation for me. Christmas break was a great time of living in community that I take for granted sometimes; as well as a time of healing. It's weird allowing myself to feel things. Let God really enter in to those deep parts, or better yet, let others do so as well.

Then comes tonight which was an amazing night... I'm involved with this youth group in Asheville who I staffed at Snowbird. Tonight I go on to youth group, almost not feeling like it or sure if I should spend the gas money- since that's a bit tight right now. On my way I'm thinking about how I miss the simple things and past times in my early youth group where we would spend quality time seeking God in prayer, yes simply prayer. My friend EJ, also former swo staff, then informs me that one of the youth, Addyson, has been in a car accident and we should spend some long time in prayer- freaked me out for a second because she neglected to tell me first thing that Addy was ok. Then we all meet, Addyson included, and she tells us how the wreck was so terrible that she should be dead and people who witnessed it could not believe she made it.

Last week we talked about (from Lamentations) how even though difficult things may be going on- this I know to be true, the Lord is good. God has a plan for Addyson and all the youth that were there tonight. We had some good time of sharing but then ended on our knees before the throne of God because even though we don't deserve it, God has a plan and a huge part of it was having Christ make a way by paying our debt. I prayed that we would hunger for the Lord on my way to youth, but did not expect to be so blown away by having the opportunity to be crying out to God with them. Seeing their honest prayers before God was amazing. We realized more tonight how short life can be and how it's eternity that matters, not the things in this world that are here today and gone tomorrow. These are the moments I live for.

New Beginning

Why Hello there!

This blog is mainly being started because it is required for my computer class at Montreat College. However, I am excited to get the chance to share with you what is going on in my life this semester. I will post what God is doing in my life, teaching me, recent adventures, challenges and other random things, especially because I am such a random person. So, thanks for being a part of my life.