Stop

So many things arise when I get out of my routine. Things I realize I need to deal with when I come home. Then more tough things arise. Friends that have given up pursuing the Lord. Family that are so distant and unaware. I want more and so I pursue that. Sometimes wonderful and then sometimes I lose myself in it. I think and try to convince myself that I am simply losing myself for the Kingdom, but is that really true? Because when you lose yourself for the Kingdom, I believe you become more found, not lost. Yet I tend to feel lost and alone sometimes during it. I had a hard realization while talking to a good friend the other day. For starters, I realize more of my dumb efforts seem like I need to prove something to God. Really? Or how I lose myself in idolizing ministering to others and then I forget who I even am. I become cynical. I close up because I get tired of being let down and it is easier to have lower expectations. Yet, I do know God does care about the details. He cares about my life. So why build up these walls? Because that just makes it harder for others to connect and see what is really there. I long for community. I long for the Kingdom come. I long for healing in myself and others around me. So stop being cynical and waiting for the perfect moment or method or community. I believe the God we follow is a God that cares about this. Not going to forsake my heart or the mission so why should I by building these walls of lies? Letting go...