A journal entry from LDW..

So much is going on in my head and heart right now- too much to process. Too many things still need healing. I feel so gross- physically and spiritually. I know freedom, but why do I forget it? I desire and need to stop running away and start running towards, but how do I start? My imposter keeps telling me to just give up, it will never again be what I once tasted and knew. The lies my imposter holds tell me that I am not worthy- to be pursued, to be embraced. So my imposter encourages me to pursue or withdraw and don't wait. The lie is that I've already waited and been left lonely. My imposter says don't be weak, for that's when the ugliness comes. What if I'm weak and no one is there to be strong for me, then what? For too long I've listened to my imposter and I've lived in the "strong one" imposter. I didn't allow myself to get hurt by any sarcasm, grieve from death- I had to be strong for others and independent. I want to flee this. I need to stop seeking affirmation. I need to trust the silence. Rest the busyness. Let God be God. All my responsibilities and people I left at home are going to be fine- life goes on without me. I am not needed- but I am chosen. There is so much beauty and freedom if I only just fully rely on that.