Waiting.

Day 1 I walked in to the Hope House and one of the residents gives me a verse printed on this card.

Romans 8:28. I have read this verse plenty of times before. Yes, God works all things out for the good of those who are called according to His purpose.

Will I believe that even when she needs to be transferred to another program?
And when I leave early into the unknown, undefined?

..................................................................................................................................................

I am sitting in a house I am house-sitting for which has provided much needed space to stop, rest, and process the many recent transitions. In the past year, I have had many life transforming experiences, moves, and changes of plans. Though this rest time is much needed, it is hard to let my self sit in the silence, unanswered questions, and wanderings of my heart. I don't know what I'm doing, I don't know the why's, and left with many things I don't understand or feel I can handle...

"Be still and know I am God.."
"Be anxious for nothing.."
"learning to BE content"

So many times I have defined my worth by my doing and not being. Not who I am in Christ. Currently, I am not involved in any ministry, I am still at this moment unemployed, and do not have any major thing defining me.... Just me, and the silence. Waiting on God.

...................................................................................................................................

I started this update a while ago and then either forgot about it or just did not know how to update. I have been back in my hometown for almost 4 months now. It has taken a while to process and heal. To rest in God and renew strength. A time of just being in community with just who I am, not what I do. It has been a sweet time to catch up with people who have crossed paths again.

I hate goodbyes. It has taken a while to heal from some of them. I hate not have closure or good endings. After talking to a dear friend though who has spent time with Haiti and similar struggle with leaving her heart there- she said to me "Wouldn't it be so cool to have my kids I love from Haiti and your girls you hold dear from Cambodia to meet and worship and play together?" Such a beautiful image and idea. I then started thinking about Heaven- not an escapism, dreamy white clouds but of the beautiful picture of no more separation and every tribe and nation coming together to worship God. I long for this day. It makes me excited. It makes me want to live for more here and care less about worries I get so wrapped up in. One of my new Khmer friends I met in St.Cloud is experiencing America for the first time and noted that we worry too much. In her country (Cambodia), they are more free to just be. What is ironic is that she has faced genocide and hunger. But maybe she realizes bills, a cleaner house, and newer clothes really are not worth such anxiety that we make it out to be. I really was challenged by this. It makes me want to choose to trust

Here is some random thoughts and update on where I am at. I do have a job currently working as a pool attendant which is first mostly stress-free job (well I at least don't have to emotionally take it home with me). It has been hard, refreshing, and a good season of growth. But I do hate waiting. This waiting period has been trying my patience. But God continually proves faithful. And I trust good things are in the works to come. Blessings to be taken hold of in this moment.

It's Friday, Friday... (The Reality)

I have been hesitating writing an update but made the goal to do it this morning, so here we go... One reason I have hesitated is feeling like I can't even keep up with my own life, so how do I update others? Especially, the ones I left behind in Florida or even Cambodia.

Another reason, is I do not want to think about everything. There are some days that I wish I never knew anything about sex-trafficking. Some days that I even have the terrible thoughts that I am not sure if I want to know the gospel with the responsibility that comes with it. Though I had an amazing summer, moments I wish I never went to SE Asia. Then I would not have amazing girls behind, have seen images of injustice that haunt me, or held the crazy kids in the orphanage with all the unmet needs there. Formed close relationships with my team and other missionaries.

So I leave the summer, make a crazy change of plans that distracted me from processing it and add more to it!

I commit to a ministry burdened on my heart and moved in to be a live-intern at the Hope House in NC (www.hopehousenc.com). I have also been working part-time at a salon in the mall. There have been moments standing there supposed to sell up another pricey bottle of shampoo to a customer but all I can think about is little kids in a village lining up shouting with joy "Knoym meanne chi!" (I have lice). We were doing a hair washing ministry and the kids with lice got special lice shampoo. Who knew washing hair was such a treat?





Though I just had the most amazing summer so far, it is difficult to talk about that or my job now. Because do you want the full picture? Even what I'm struggling with? I feel like the burden. The Debby Downer. SE Asia is full of wonderful people. But also hurt, despair, and brokeness.

What about now? Am I not doing what I chose to do, in the city I love, and awesome ministry? It is true. My time is spent to three girls that many times hate me, feel entitled to everything, and thankful for hardly any of it.

My patience right now sometimes wants to.. well, I'm not going to share everything on here ;)

But then I remember....
I am not working for them, the other staff, or others around me.
Then in a moment of despair, I receive a letter or text of encouragement.
Someone reminds me they are praying for me.
One of the girls opens up to me.
I realize how good the gospel it is- it frees my soul and burdens. I just have it backwards.
Or I remember the past and how God works all things for good, though I don't understand.
I would never give up knowing my team and that we are spread out over the world! That is an amazing thing!
I am not alone.
God's promises remain true.
chosen beloved.
I am not God.

From Cambodia to MiniVans.

As I drove the mini-van to bring one of the girls to cheerleading practice today (wait, who would have thought I would be saying that sentence). But life has been such a whirlwind.

Although the first sentence does make it seem like I'm living the safe, American dream- it does have a lot of- shall we say- flavor? Nice house, mini-van, food, and a bed provided. Filled with girls with many mood swings and who rarely accept what is offered.

Many contrasts. Some similarities. As we say in Cambodia- Same Same but Different.

Oh also here is another random fact of my life these days: I work part-time at a salon as well. I have had many experiences, internships, and many things still in need of processing. Even after OE classes- my life cannot hide from reflection- instead of reflection papers- I am now blogging like a nerd.

These are all random sentences and thoughts that do not all seem to fit together. But that is how my life feels. And yet each moment, each experience and season, all prepare me for the next one. I am reminded today how God works all things for the good of those who are called. I am reminded of perseverance. I have had "I'm done!" moments before but God's grace covers them and keeps me going. There are many moments when I wonder what I'm doing and how I can keep going. But I keep forgetting that God loves me. I feel many times like He holds out on me. Prayer for trust that He knows the desires of my heart more than I do.

She showed me how to love....

"... Break my heart for what breaks yours.
Show me how to love how you have loved me.."

Over the past few years, I have prayed that prayer and God has overwhelmed me. Broken my heart for what breaks His. And it continued to happen this summer but more than that, God really showed me how to love and be loved.

I cannot explain the love that I have for some of the girls in Cambodia of which I do not even verbally even speak the same language to. How they quickly can take pieces of my heart. How they can show me more of God's heart to love regardless. I was at a point this summer where I felt like I had nothing left in me to give. Was burnt-out. But it did not matter. Because it was not about my doing but just being. Letting God be God. The ministry of presence can be so much deeper than doing so many tasks and good works. I was ministered to by the support of family and friends and constantly by my team this summer. When as a team, we let go of our own ideas and doing- we got to relax and enjoy what God was doing around us. Rather than being frustrated by constant changes of plans.

One of the girls in particular really showed me how to love. I really saw myself in her, in her trying to be strong and not knowing how loved she is. I simply just loved being with her. I wanted to show her love, but I ended up being taught that in deeper ways than I would ever be able to conjure up. I want her to have a good life but she is also the one that is worried if I am doing okay. She reminded me of God's goodness. God taught me through her and my team that He simply likes to give good gifts to His children. That He makes all things new and beautiful.

One example is through jewelry she made that my team gave to me. Or by being back in North Carolina right now trusting that God knows the desires of my heart. I was shown love so much this summer and really grateful to have had two months with such wonderful, beautiful people that God loves so much. I just pray that they and us can continue or begin to know that love.

Back in the States... Now what?

It is really hard to summarize two months of everything we saw and experienced. Our team bonded like family and I fell in love with the country and people in Cambodia. It was really sad to leave some people there, but I know that is was all worth it. I would love to share more stories, preferably in person. But thank you to everyone who supported, prayed, and encouraged me to go. Without you, none of this would have happened.

Also, update on change of plans. I put Proverbs 16:9 - "A man may plan his course, but the Lord determines his steps" on my support card and that verse continues to be so true in my life. It seems like most times when I try to plan something, it always ends up in another crazy direction. However, for the first time in a while I am really seeing and believing that it is so good. And sometimes God just wants to give good gifts to his children. God actually knows and does want to give us the desires of our hearts- though I can be dumb and fear them.

As most of you know, my plans were to go to Kansas City, MO however that is no longer happening. I am actually moving back to the Asheville area to be a live-in intern for the Hope House (a faith-based home for girls rescued from trafficking in the States). It was a kind of long process letting go and deciding to do this but I am excited. This is really the place and ministry I am passionate about and where I will call home until further notice.

But please be praying because it is still another transition and change of plans is not super easy. Also that I can find a part-time job as well to cover other bills. And pray for Cambodia even though I am not there, specifically the girls at the safe house and for the long-term workers there.

Thank you again for all the support!

~Brittany Faye

The end is near.

Wish I had more time to write you or could explain everything that has been going on with myself, the team, and our ministry. But that seems nearly impossible to comprehend right now. It has been going well though, I had an amazing birthday :) and this is our last week! So crazy! Please be praying because due to certain situations with the girls home, camp had to be canceled so our plans for this week are changing. Also be praying for the girls and the situation that they all have to deal with consequences of. There was a graduation ceremony for some of them who are in a work program that I got to attend and help with a song/dance. It was incredible to celebrate this accomplishment with them and to continue some of the relationship-bonding- especially with a girl that I teach English to. It will be hard to leave them and be just another person in their life that came for a time and went but I pray that God really uses it. But for now I am out of time and the next update will be from home in the States!

Update again.

Time is going by kind of fast, can't believe it's July already. Busy with schedule and planning but the great people here keep me going. I love the Khmer people. Please pray as we change villages this week. We will continue with the girls shelter throughout and we just got news we will end the summer with a bang by helping put on a 3-day camp for them! We are all really excited about this opportunity and the person we are helping facilitate this with is not a believer, more like a "spiritual" person (Asheville friends should be familiar with this). But it will be a cool opportunity to work with her, potentially difficult with some planning, but great nonetheless to hopefully have Christ shine through that. I miss ya'll a lot and cannot believe i will be making another move soon. Thank you so much for all of you who are continuing to be a part in my life through it all. Your support means so much. Please pray that I won't be discouraged about the purpose here and be excited for whatever we get to do. It is hard to sometimes know how to invest with such a short time but I am still so confident God has us here. Today, we had the opportunity to teach a church fellowship- taking part in communion and washing their feet was such a neat experience. .... Time to go back out on the bicycle.

Sus Dei!

Sus Dei (Hello)!
It has been a busy week here for us. We started bible studies, art, and fitness time at the girls shelter- or simply just building relationships there. Definitely my favorite part. This relationship-building would think to be difficult with language barrier but there have been some really cool moments. I even got a note from one of the girls that translated as - will you be my sister and come back next year, i love you and miss you already- ya did not imagine how loving they'd be. They are so in need of love and truth. Or to know that they are beautiful (which they are so gorgeous) but they all want to be white. Last night, it poured rain and we danced in the rain with them to American and Khmer rap music. It was incredible. And by the way- it rains/pours everyday as well as remain hot so that's no surprise we were in the rain.
We have also partnered some with YWAM ministries going out to a village teaching kids the bible and doing home visits. And training church leaders on Saturdays- the first one went well. They are so passionate, willing, and eager for a better understanding of the Bible. It has been hard getting used to the schedule but there are many cool opportunities.

Please keep praying for us to remain faithful and excited about being here in every moment; for a better understanding of our purpose here, and us to be able to really build some solid relationships.

Thanks ya'll!
Brittany Faye

in Cambodia!! ....

Hey ya'll!
So after much traveling, I have made it finally to Cambodia. So much to see and it has been wonderful so far. We have been getting to know the culture and our host missionary, Jeni is super amazing and helpful. We finally just moved into our home at a local YWAM base and start teaching tonight at the girls shelter! So please pray for that.

We have been learning about the Khmer Rouge including touring the genocide museum and how that is still affecting the people of Cambodia. There has been some heavy stuff but really encouraged when we toured all the ministries we will help with. Also, the people here are so welcoming and friendly. Yesterday we had quite an adventure around town on our bicycles getting to know the town and today went to a Khmer church which was an amazing experience through hearing the gospel transcend cultures.

There's my short update for now...

Prayer support.

So some awesome people have asked for more specific prayer needs so here is my attempt...
and I say attempt because there is so much unknown right now that it is hard to even know how to begin (that could be prayer request #1)...

- change can be overwhelming. experiencing a lot of that right now
- transition of communities
- particularly pray for our team going to Cambodia (Kristy and Adam: our leaders, Kristen, Britney, Hannah, and myself)
- For focus on the field and not be worried about what left at "home" and for family that doesn't really understand (so also for peace for them and patience for me)
- PEACE!
- health
- that God will break our hearts for what breaks His but also fill us up with overwhelming hope through Christ
- for the ministry to girls who have been victimized by sex-trafficking, that God continues to prepare our hearts and the details
- that we can also just have fun with it! joy!

Just pray for whatever else God puts on your heart to intercede for. Thanks for praying and supporting this! Can't wait to see what God is going to do. It really doesn't feel real that this is all about to happen.

Preparing for the unknown...

I am not sure how much I can update when I am actually in Cambodia but for those who want to remain a support and have been asking for specifics.. here's more into the transition and preparation process...

Just moved from the little, cute yellow house filled with housemates that have become like family. Graduated from college. Left those gates of Montreat, sent off from Missio Dei Church, and left the city of Asheville this past Sunday. What a whirlwind!

I had the chance to see some more family on the way down to Florida and now am back in my hometown at my parent's house. It is a weird transition and difficult preparing for experiences that I have no clue what may come. But I know, that it is working out and I am getting excited for this adventure ahead. All the financial part, which before seemed so big, is now covered!

Every detail is coming together. Every moment I become really discouraged a beautiful reminder occurs.. here is one example..

This past Sunday it became harder to leave than I thought and I was not really looking forward to this transition but then encouraged by a text with a reminder of amazing people that are waiting for me in good ole' St.Cloud. Then having Koffman and Carly pray over me. Then seeing a close friend I have not seen since 2008 who just showed up not knowing I would be there but such a blessing to both of us.

Then the reminder that great things are coming in Cambodia.. a girl that was adopted from Cambodia was there and told me how excited she was for me and gave me $1 towards my trip. This reminded me of the widow's offering and how humbled I was to accept this gift. Seriously, the Lord has been involved in every detail (and every dollar) and it is so cool to see it unfold.

For those who have been supporting me, whether financially or through the prayers and encouragement, THANK YOU!! You have no idea how much it means to have people behind this and giving me the courage to keep going.

So 12 days left..

Please pray for the time here in Florida and the preparation that is left
Pray for health!
For the rest of the team
For the girls that we will soon meet
For strength, energy, rest, excitement, and readiness.
And whatever else is placed on your heart to pray for :)

Some observations on life..

1. Watching a great sunrise is an amazing way to start the day
2. Road trips are better with friends
3. Southern sweet tea is simply wonderful
4. Children will love you regardless
5. Mosquitoes (aka skeeters) should not exist
6. People can be used in their weakness, and in their weakness made strong. And this can give others the courage to do the same
7. The key to many things is willingness; being willing can take you far to do things you never thought possible
8. A bit of challenge is usually better in the end.
9. If youth are valued and empowered, they can change the world, or at least their own.
10. There is a different view and perspective when on top of the mountain, and yet more so when you have worked hard to get there
11. You don’t have to be blood related to be family; family is those who know who you really are and love you no matter what
12. Food tastes so much better in the wilderness; Summer sausage and cheese adds to that
13. Being vulnerable, though may hurt, can result in deep friendships
14. We all have a story
15. No matter how many times you go down the Nantahala River, it will always be “fun-freshing”, and you do not really get used to it
16. Hope is powerful

Slavery all around

Now that I've been learning more, my mind opened and heart broken, I see it everywhere.
Though you do not see red-light districts of open brothels everywhere, it is here.
We are among a hidden red-light district.
Slavery is everywhere, but what really gets to me even more than the ignorance of the victims is how....
We enslave oursleves.
I see it when a random guy stares me down with a degrading lust.
I see it among all the girls enslaving their own selves to constant need for relationships.
I see it walking in the stores and every other time I swipe that piece of plastic.
Or when we have to have that drink to ease our mind.
Or when we pretend we really are victims but we are really just digging for that compliment for satisfaction.
People are vicitimized and enslaved daily but we just give ourselves away to things that do not last or fulfill.
We fill our lives up with busyness and enslave ourselves to our level of performance.
We are slaves to our programs.
Slaves to our agendas.

Why do we let this happen?
Hope for freedom.
Walk in that.

Pics and video from Jubilee Conference

LDW Team Canada Reunion!



Jubilee Video

Where you I go..

This past Sunday was amazing to be sent out by Church Alive.
Sharing a piece of what is going on then everyone praying for me.
Then to the 3,4, and 5 year olds who pray over me. That was awesome!

I was encouraged but sometimes I feel like people see this girl who keeps going places but they do not see her at home...
I seem like courage but many times I feel like weakness.
I sometimes display confidence but have many questions.
This girl who has waited but not the one that wonders and sometimes even wanders.

Sometimes, I just want to go back.
I am tired.
I am scared.
But I am not alone (though i may feel like I am sometimes)
I am not this hard shell who needs no support. Although sometimes I want to be because it can hurt to love and be loved.
And where He goes, I want to go.
This takes going into brokenness and suffering. Not just with people across the world, but also the ones right next to you.
But this also takes vulnerability, embracing your limitations, weaknesses and going even without fully knowing. Or staying and trusting and walking faithfully.


Will you join me?

Longings

i long for transparency.
authentic faith.
real questioning, longing, heartfelt answers.
truth.
community.
reconciliation.
love.

SHALOM.

Violently Good. Shalom. Jubilee.

*Warning: written with not much sleep so may not be completely coherent

I just got back from Jubilee conference in Pittsburgh. I have been looking forward to this, especially to reunite with my LDW Canada team from this summer, especially to relive that because many times I feel like that trip never happened.

It was such a process of getting this trip going. Finally, plans set and we're going. Hard week, do not understand things going on in my life from minor things like paying bills and then to fading friendships and the growing cynicism and doubt in my heart. The night before cannot believe that I will be leaving the next day but then as I lay down to go to sleep, I receive a text that we may not be able to go. Frustration and a heart that figures this would happen because through many other things it seems like this is the way my life is working and in turn this is how God works. But then thoughts that and others words that I need to be a good Christian so suck it up, be happy. Stop being a spoiled brat, please people because God does not have much concern left for your heart.

It turned out that Spike, Julie, and I got to go especially because we were all so determined to. So put in donation money, make sure Spike wakes up, break into cash box with hammer, keep going when a semi-truck almost runs us over, and we are on a way. Lots of laughter at how ridiculous a start the trip was, past through terrible West Virginia and we made it to Pittsburgh!

The first night the conference was pretty good and I ran into some people from my LDW team, excitement but then some silence because what do you say when you used to know everything about each other and had such an incredible experience together? Then, 8 months without much talking. It was still so good to see them, enjoy laughing about things from this summer, and remember how used that experience.

Conference wise, it was the best year I have been to and there were some great main sessions as well as the breakouts that I went to and was encouraged and challenged by. Especially hearing Kent Annan and Edel talk about honest faith and their experience wrestling with hard questions, why God is good even through the earthquake in Haiti that Edel lived through (though he dropped from 6 story building and almost everyone else in the room died). Yet, they wrestled with through almost like a marriage fight with God, and believe now that He is good, even through suffering.

But the best part was Saturday night, as we were walking back up to the hotel, some people gathered in the lobby with an acoustic guitar, djembe, great passion and dance moves. Spike and I decided to go back and check it out more. It was so fun and freeing. I have not worshipped in response like that in so long. Singing "Lord you are good.. We worship you for who you are" And was freed to actually believe that. Sure, if you asked me before I would give you that Christian response you're looking for that God is good but my heart was alone and confused still.

Our worship became louder, more joined and then we had to move because we were being so loud. Then, I see my friend Shannan from LDW said hey stood next to her, not much words to say, then just gave each other a hug which said more that a 5-hour conversation could probably do. Met a girl, Nicole, who has similar passions and we prayed for each other. Doubts that what I have is just emotion and that I can not raise the money this summer or be able to accomplish any of this faded away and did not matter. Wondering what people think or questions on certain situations in my life faded in a surrender of trust.

So this weekend was more than a conference with good speakers, seeing old friends, and lots of laughter- though that was all great aspects. But, it goes beyond to actually experiencing freedom and jubilee in my heart. It was violently good. It was a shadow of Shalom.