A journal entry from LDW..

So much is going on in my head and heart right now- too much to process. Too many things still need healing. I feel so gross- physically and spiritually. I know freedom, but why do I forget it? I desire and need to stop running away and start running towards, but how do I start? My imposter keeps telling me to just give up, it will never again be what I once tasted and knew. The lies my imposter holds tell me that I am not worthy- to be pursued, to be embraced. So my imposter encourages me to pursue or withdraw and don't wait. The lie is that I've already waited and been left lonely. My imposter says don't be weak, for that's when the ugliness comes. What if I'm weak and no one is there to be strong for me, then what? For too long I've listened to my imposter and I've lived in the "strong one" imposter. I didn't allow myself to get hurt by any sarcasm, grieve from death- I had to be strong for others and independent. I want to flee this. I need to stop seeking affirmation. I need to trust the silence. Rest the busyness. Let God be God. All my responsibilities and people I left at home are going to be fine- life goes on without me. I am not needed- but I am chosen. There is so much beauty and freedom if I only just fully rely on that.

Rest and obedience in the ordinary and mundane

Here I am in Florida transitioning from another experience. I am still fighting a restless heart. One of the amazing great things God used LDW kayak trip for me was to just enjoy God, rest in Him, and trust that the Lord delights in me. I enjoyed the simplicity and the simple things such as great weather, brief times of no skeeters!, the gorgeous weather, or even the quirks and everything about the people placed in my community. I have learned more about my identity in Christ- to be His chosen beloved like I was uniquely created to be. I am still walking towards this freedom. I am still discovering more of my gifts and why I hold them back. Why I sometimes listen to my imposter full of lies rather than the One who knows me best and calls me to live out what He has beautifully created in me? I have been restless today considering what I need to do to please God- do I need to go to Snowbird sooner, back to the Holler right now, or going back to VBC youth quicker, or countless other things that are never enough. Why is it so hard for me to be content? I think one of the main issues in my heart is that I always have to do more- I mean there is so many people hurting, lost souls needing salvation, orphans needing care, slaves needing freedom, and though we need to go out to all these broken places with the gospel, we also need to realize before we do that it is not our doing or about us. I miss God so many times because I am looking for that crazy experience when sometime He is delighted that I take some time to rest. In fact He commanded a Sabbath. I am not promoting apathy or laziness but I know that I have missed resting in the Father's love and trusting He is sovereign and it is time for me to stop trying to make things happen. He is leading me and I can just enjoy the ride and live in the moment of what He is calling me to. Rest and obedience in the ordinary and mundane...
I'm still processing what that exactly looks like.