confusing transition-> faith, trust, obedience.

I am in Florida right now! I just left the Holler a bit earlier than planned and came to Florida. So much going on with me this summer. A main reason why I left early is to rest and prepare for LDW adventure, good thing because when I arrived I also found a book I need to read and journal on before I leave for my trip (June 8). It was a hard decision. Well, at first it seemed like a hard choice to be there, for this is how it started out...

I arrived after long morning of cleaning up dorm and the day after the RA night, where we all cried. Transition and change is tough but it really does destroy the idols in our hearts. When I arrived, I got overwhelmed with a schedule and how big and fast this jump was. The next morning, I broke down and cried, and I hate crying in front of people but it was a good way to break in and start with honest, intentional community for they got to see my weak side that I so much like to cover up. Then comes the next night, sickness- staying up later puking and asking "God, really?!" Sadly, almost thinking the health, wealth, prosperity gospel sounded great.. which I hate! The rest of the time got better and I was learning a lot. One thing I got to practice and try to grow in was being more slow to speak and not giving a quick opinion. There are differences but I really do trust and love what the community at the Holler is doing and I am thankful that they opened up their home and lives and let me be a part of it. I am excited to go back and share in what the good Lord (Yahweh!) is doing. Though I am many times a prideful, arrogent individual who really needs to step back and trust and learn.

So then some restlessness started happening again, imagine that! Me, restless? God never keeps me in a place too long, sometimes exciting and many times at first frustrating! I have this growing desire to become His prodigal daughter, especially because I sadly relate many times to the older brother in this parable (Luke 15). Justin, Rebekah and I had a really good, honest conversation about all this and I told them with honesty about my restlessness. I was not sure if this meant to actually go home or prepare for being a prodigal, or to practice that at the Holler. Similar to what one of my professor's Brad Daniel told me once with trying to make another decision was.. Justin told me to make sure I am running to something, whether that was rest or whatever else. I went away on a walk and prayed about it, like most times with me, did not get a straight answer but there was this amazing moment where I felt loved by God, more than I have felt in a while and that He was delighted in me. I fell on my knees as I was thinking, this must be to good to be true. Not only that, but I felt Him saying He will be delighted in me with whatever choice I make (obviously if it is not against the Word or sin). This broke up the struggle that I have been having with feeling like I have to work to attain God's love, that my obedience gets me to hear His voice, that the obedience of the summer will make me a better person. However, that is not what the Gospel is! Or what this is about. My true desire is to make much of Jesus in whatever I do. I can't do this, I can't be perfect, or make perfect decisions (if you know me, you know many times I have a hard time making decisions at all!). Though this almost seems like taking the easy way out, this is why it was a hard decision for me. I fought caring about what people would think, or if the Holler would be disappointed, or worse if God would be disappointed in me. It was like a twisted step of faith to leave and go against my people pleasing tendency and trust that a time of rest is okay.

So I am running home. I am trying to get better from the sickness I've been fighting and prepare for the next thing- LDW Canada. Please be in prayer for me as I make another transition. In some ways, though it has difficult aspects, the Holler is an easier place for me because I can hide more from the influence of this world. I am protected by guidelines and do not have to discern as much for myself. There, I live in a house with believers who won't let me be stagnant and challenge and love me. Now, I am back to many different people and a really different lifestyle around me. However, it gives me a great chance to run home to the Lord in whatever situation and rest and trust, no matter what all other influences tell me... He is all that matters and my mission... to make much of Jesus Christ (Yeshua) in whatever I do.

Wait.

Papers, assignments, wrapping up the semester, and getting things done for summer are still to do! I withdraw away to do it and can't help but think about where my life is headed. I want to be content where I am but I want to know where I am going. Teach at-risk youth, go overseas, or have to get a "real job" to please my parents and pay off loans. Lord, I want to be yours! Show me where to go and guide me in that path. I trust You!

Silence, Reality, Freedom, and the weight of the world.

I just got back from the silent retreat weekend with my spiritual formation class. It was an interesting weekend and for the first time in so long, I felt this huge weight I have been carrying lifted from my soul. I realized how difficult it is for me to just rest and finally felt at rest. However, as we got back I was moved to tears and this overwhelming feeling of an even heavier weight fall on me. I hope that the Lord will help me finish strong and that I can embrace such a hectic coming up summer with courage. I was reminded this past weekend of His faithfulness and provision and it is so hard today to rely on that through the pressure of everything. However, even when He is silent or I am, God is still there and I will trust that He promises to never leave or forsake me and that these difficult experiences will strengthen me for His kingdom.

O Lord do not continue to be silent. My spirit is willing, but flesh is weak. Help me to be strong in your grace and embrace these weaknesses. Thanks for your reminders of love and faithfulness and help me continue to be reminded.