*Warning: written with not much sleep so may not be completely coherent
I just got back from Jubilee conference in Pittsburgh. I have been looking forward to this, especially to reunite with my LDW Canada team from this summer, especially to relive that because many times I feel like that trip never happened.
It was such a process of getting this trip going. Finally, plans set and we're going. Hard week, do not understand things going on in my life from minor things like paying bills and then to fading friendships and the growing cynicism and doubt in my heart. The night before cannot believe that I will be leaving the next day but then as I lay down to go to sleep, I receive a text that we may not be able to go. Frustration and a heart that figures this would happen because through many other things it seems like this is the way my life is working and in turn this is how God works. But then thoughts that and others words that I need to be a good Christian so suck it up, be happy. Stop being a spoiled brat, please people because God does not have much concern left for your heart.
It turned out that Spike, Julie, and I got to go especially because we were all so determined to. So put in donation money, make sure Spike wakes up, break into cash box with hammer, keep going when a semi-truck almost runs us over, and we are on a way. Lots of laughter at how ridiculous a start the trip was, past through terrible West Virginia and we made it to Pittsburgh!
The first night the conference was pretty good and I ran into some people from my LDW team, excitement but then some silence because what do you say when you used to know everything about each other and had such an incredible experience together? Then, 8 months without much talking. It was still so good to see them, enjoy laughing about things from this summer, and remember how used that experience.
Conference wise, it was the best year I have been to and there were some great main sessions as well as the breakouts that I went to and was encouraged and challenged by. Especially hearing Kent Annan and Edel talk about honest faith and their experience wrestling with hard questions, why God is good even through the earthquake in Haiti that Edel lived through (though he dropped from 6 story building and almost everyone else in the room died). Yet, they wrestled with through almost like a marriage fight with God, and believe now that He is good, even through suffering.
But the best part was Saturday night, as we were walking back up to the hotel, some people gathered in the lobby with an acoustic guitar, djembe, great passion and dance moves. Spike and I decided to go back and check it out more. It was so fun and freeing. I have not worshipped in response like that in so long. Singing "Lord you are good.. We worship you for who you are" And was freed to actually believe that. Sure, if you asked me before I would give you that Christian response you're looking for that God is good but my heart was alone and confused still.
Our worship became louder, more joined and then we had to move because we were being so loud. Then, I see my friend Shannan from LDW said hey stood next to her, not much words to say, then just gave each other a hug which said more that a 5-hour conversation could probably do. Met a girl, Nicole, who has similar passions and we prayed for each other. Doubts that what I have is just emotion and that I can not raise the money this summer or be able to accomplish any of this faded away and did not matter. Wondering what people think or questions on certain situations in my life faded in a surrender of trust.
So this weekend was more than a conference with good speakers, seeing old friends, and lots of laughter- though that was all great aspects. But, it goes beyond to actually experiencing freedom and jubilee in my heart. It was violently good. It was a shadow of Shalom.
